I've been a college professor type for a bit and while listening to and vaguely contemplating Yet Another Commencement Address, and its trite cliches and nonsense about the future I decided to write my own - not that anyone would ever ask me to actually present such a thing. (The observation that many of the faculty present were doing things other than listening (reading, correcting papers, listening to CDs) probably contributed.

But after I wrote it, I realized that could serve equally well as a "Welcome to College Pep Talk".

Or maybe taken to induce vomiting. (Do not do that if you've recently ingested caustic materials.)

Most quotes unattributed. Think of it as an exercise for the interested reader.

Never go to the supermarket and pay in nickels. Now, pennies - that's a different story. Or is it the other way around?

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent."

If someone insults or offends you, its your job to figure out what it is in you that is reacting. Only then should you hit them on the top of their pointly little head.

Ask yourself why someone is buying a shopping cart full of sugar.

"The most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity."

Is there a guy in the ceiling tile factory who checks the tiles to make sure the holes are in the right places?

Robert's Rules of Order is a Good Thing. Use it. And make sure someone takes minutes.

Randomness. Good. Fun. Do things sometimes on the flip of a coin - or the roll of dice. But dont bet on roulette.

Think for yourself. Be ready to listen to everyone else. Or at least to appear to. Sometimes its easier to listen by email.

Tell those religious folks at your front door that you're a pantheist, then bow to your electrical outlet and pray to the Great Qantum Wave Function that it not Collapse Quite Yet.

Try something from time to time that bores you. Try it seriously, dont just kid yourself.

"Corporations have neither bodies to be punished, nor souls to be condemned, they therefore do as they like."

Try something from time to time that annoys you. Try it seriously, don't just kid yourself.

"Guns don't kill people. Physics kills people."

Imagination is often the best place for revenge - practice thinking of good (however impractical or hazardous) revenge schemes. Funny is best. Up to you to decide who to tell about them.

Think for yourself. Find your own ways to react to things. Stick your tongue out.

Imagine the possibilities in Liquid Oxygen and Spam.

"First thing we do, lets kill all the lawyers."

Everyone needs to be kicked from time to time. Remember this when someone kicks you. Kicking back is optional.

Its more fun and effective to attack using humour. Self defense is difficult when everyone is laughing. "

Write checks and fill in offical forms with bright green ink. Use the French revolutionary calender if possible. Break the bureaucracy creatively and with humour.

Keep on learning. Take night classes. Teach yourself. Don't stop.

Write funny poems. Be careful who you show them to.

Go to a nude beach. Get nekkid. Look around. Are you really that beautiful? Or that ugly?

Think for yourself. Learn something new, let simmer. Repeat until dead.

Cultivate a bunch of people that share your general interests and whom you trust (the internet is great for this). Its all the better if some are smarter than you, its not at all bad when some annoy you. When one of them suggests something - follow it up. Make your own suggestions.

Be bizarre.

Bee bazaar. (Careful not to get stung.)

Practice writing about what you like and why. Write reviews for IMDB.com, for Amazon.com ... Write about what you hate. Avoid lists of "the 100 best...." Be ready to consider your critics opinions.

John Wayne was a draft dodger - or was he?. J. Edger Hoover was a crossdresser - or was he?

"Where would we be without the agitators of the world attaching the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance?"

When you write or speak (in your native language) remember that its your language so use it as you will. Remember Yoda, talks oddly he does, yet wise is he.

Watch movies with subtitles from time to time. Its much easier in the theatre than on TV.

Everyone rises to their own level of incompetence. What they say then is a reflection of that incompetence. Don't forget that this will happen to you too.

Find a quiet place of your own that you can retreat to. Keep it private.

Dont tell ANYONE your PIN number, or your computer passwords. You may be in love today - but tomorrow? Keep a checking account separate from your partner. Establish credit in your own name.

Cross your sevens and your Z's.

Watch old movies, read books written more than 50 years ago, listen to Chinese/African/experimental music. Avoid Tom Jones and the later Elvis.

Fourteen year old's can and will circumvent most any security on your TV, your computer and whatever else you want to keep secret when motivated. Lock up that gun, and those (um) interesting photos, oh - dont forget that dildo.

Your education is YOURS. Don't let anyone steal it from you this includes parents, faculty, advisors and meddling idiots of all flavors. They're almost all well meaning - but that doesn't give them any particular rights.

Make a complete fool of yourself at least once a month. Find new ways to do it.

Nothing you learn seriously is wasted. A class where you just cram crap into your head so you can vomit up onto the exams is a waste of time and perfectly good vomit.

If God starts speaking to you directly, its time for a course of anti-psychotic drugs.

Challenge your professors - thats what they're there for. Otherwise you could just read the textbook. Be sure to use reason, information and reasonable amounts of politeness. If they say "lets take this out of the class", shut up and do so. If they get all defensive and cranky, shut up and drop the class - they probably know less than you and will take it out on you with low grades.

Your manager is there to help you to get the job done - so he really works for you. He won't think so. Probably best not to let him find out you know this.

Collect because you like stuff - not to make money. Cultivate good taste and you may still make money.

Try something new every so often. Try something you tried before and didn't like. Do it seriously - your tastes may have changed.

Avoid foods with "surprise" in their names.

Practice the "willing suspension of disbelief" thing. Believe everything someone says as long as you're listening/talking to them (or taking their course). After that you're free to change your mind.

If you label something as nonsense without reason, your label is probably nonsense.

"You never really learn anything, you just get used to it."

Think for yourself. Just cuz its written in a book, put on TV or told to you by your favorite trust-in-me-i-know-the-truth authority, doesn't mean its true. Though if Yoda says it true is, true must it be.

Get started NOW on an exercise program that you like and that works for you. Don't stop. Each time you do it gets harder to start again.

"Alice in Wonderland is the best book for novices on anything."

If the supermarket line gets long, just leave your cart (basket) and walk out. Put ice cream in the cart.

If you go to the supermarket and pay in nickels, someone may be thinking about throwing melted ice cream from that abandoned shopping cart over there at you. First practice getting ice cream out of your clothes.

Insincere compliments are obviously fake. Find a sincere compliment even if it takes some work. "You have such a cool smile." is pretty general purpose.

Accept compliments with "Thank you." You are not required to compliment back. Honest. But when you can compliment someone else, do so.

Make intricate, tall and balancy piles of rocks. Avoid Jenga.

Crosswords are a great thing to take into meetings so you can look like you're taking notes. If someone peeks over your shoulder ask them what the word is for 13 across. Know the answer in advance and write it in. Say thanks.

Meetings that last more than an hour become pointless. Nothing more will get done.

"For every complex problem, there is a simple solution - which is invariably wrong."

The internet MAY become a world changing technology or it may become just an electronic equivalent of a strip mall. If you only use it for the corporate web sites, we'll be lucky if it gets as good as a strip mall.

"Its not done when you've put everything in, its done when you have taken everything out."

Leave an occasional surprise for people. F'rinstance, put a dollar bill where it will be found eventually - but not soon. Build a replica of Stonehenge in the woods a ways away from a trail. Bury that jar of pennies somewhere.

"You have no right not to be offended."

Try cryptic crosswords. But don't try the ones in the "Atlantic" till you're sure you're ready - they're scary.

"Think of it as evolution in action."

Feel free to dislike someone. And you will. Remember that everyone else is free to dislike you. And someone will. Pity them for failing to appreciate you properly.

If you dont understand it, look it up. If you still don't understand it - study it. If you still don't understand it, teach it. If you still don't understand it, perhaps you have attained the Buddha nature.

Remember the Snark. Tell people things three times. If they haven't heard you by then they're not likely to ever hear you.

"Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good With Ketchup"

"Do not meddle in the affairs of Unix, for it is subtle and quick to core dump."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer"

"Do not meddle in the affairs of professors, for they are subtle and quick to flunk you"

"Do not meddle in the affairs of artists, for this is satire and you would look good in lingerie."

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cyborgs for you are conductive and can support 110 volts"

Running jokes either don't go on long enough, or go on too long. Sometimes both at once.

Read the New Yorker - or at least look at the cartoons.

"I say its spinach and I say to hell with it."

Don't get arrested for posession.

"Do not meddle in the affairs of the drug warriers, for they are morally certain and quick to use asset forfeiture."

Condoms are good. Use them. You know how. If you don't know how, go no further. AIDS is a nasty way to die.

Make a New Years resolution to never make another New Years resolution.

"On the internet, no one knows you're a dog."

Be ready to ignore all those around you. Do you really believe they're smarter than you? Similarly don't copy on exams. Are you sure that that person over there knows the right answer? Really?

If you have no idea what to write for a paper or an essay question, try limericks or a funny essay on the topic. Or find a good argument to support a bizarre conclusion. Do it well enough that it will be hard to flunk you for it. Probably best not to do this on a business proposal.

"God must have had an inordinate fondness for beetles, since he made so many of them."

More than three people will have trouble making a decision. Even "Which restaurant?"

"You are a fluke of the Universe."

Waitrons walk out of the room with your credit card. Hmmm.

Send presents to people you like when you find the Right Thing. Don't shop, just keep your eyes open and wait for the Right Thing to jump out at you. There's no point in waiting for a holiday - they can use a lift Right Now. If you find the Right Thing for someone who is not all that close and its not overly expensive, do it anyway - just anonymously.

Find holes in the rules.

When you're in a restaurant, its easier to pick up the check than to argue about it. But make sure everyone takes their turn. Going to the bathroom when the check arrives is not a good strategy. Extended and noisy disputes about who ordered what do often provide good comedy for the other patrons.

From time to time, overtip.

"Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."

Its all up to you. Aint nobody else gunna take responsibility for your life. And if someone tries, Question Their Motives.